For the first time in, oh who even knows, I fell asleep at 10:30 without watching the news (woah, when did I turn into my parents?) and so I had no idea what events had transpired last night. I’m actually relieved I didn’t even know about it before going to bed.
Waking up to learn 12 Dallas police officers had been shot, 5 were dead, and it happened so close to home is unnerving. I made my coffee, and turned on the news already knowing what I would see. The first thing that came to mind was the families of those involved. In an instant their lives are changed forever. Each day their loved ones put on their uniforms and leave their house knowing they could be harmed, but I’m sure never really thinking it will happen to them. Don’t we all? We see this nonsense on the news from the security of our homes, but never thinking it will happen to us. It breaks my heart for those families now mourning the loss of a loved one from such a senseless motivated act of pure hatred, once again.
I watched the news and for the first time I was thinking not just of the world I’m living in, I’m thinking of the word my son, my future children, will grow up in. Is this really it? It pains me. As I’m watching the news, I hear James’ sweet little coo over the monitor, and all I hear is innocence.
I went to get him from his crib (which by the way, he slept 12 STRAIGHT hours last night, #winning) and before I can even pick him up he hears my voice and is smiling and bobbing his head around looking for me. He smiles so big every morning it’s as if he can’t even contain his excitement, and let me tell ya, it’s so stinking cute. He curls up into a tiny ball and pushes himself to his back to get a better look at me. I say “good morning” and he erupts in a giggle. This morning, I’m even more grateful for this moment because I am reminded of purity, innocence, and unconditional love. Three things fading from this world.
As I fed him he calmly stared at me and all I could think as I stared into his eyes was how sad I was that he won’t be this innocent forever. Such is life. Sigh. Someday soon he will be old enough that I won’t be able to protect him from hearing about these things happening in our world, I won’t be able to protect his pure mind and heart any longer (gasp). As a mother now, these events going on in our world come to mind in a new light. I couldn’t help but think of Sandy Hook and how children’s innocent lives were taken and my heart physically hurts for those parents because I can not even for a second fathom the pain and anger boiling inside them. One day when James is older he could easily be in a movie theater, an airport, a school, a large crowd, at a protest, basically anywhere and there is nothing I can do to help him, although I could keep him attached to me until forever. No? Ok fine. Are you sure? Oh Dear Lord, give me the ability to trust you in this storm.
I’ll be honest. I watch the news but I’m the last person to keep up with politics. It doesn’t interest me, it’s plain boring, and let’s face it, I’d rather watch something totally trashy and not educational whatsoever. I’m a sucker for reality tv, it’s my guilty pleasure (judge if you will). Therefore, I have no intentions of writing a political post. I wouldn’t even know where or how to begin because my thoughts are so scattered. I am well aware of the events that led to this senseless act, just to clarify. That being said, I’m just a Christian who is afraid of this world, tenfold now that I am a mother. I can’t wait to see the world evolve through my child’s eyes. What scares me is he will grow up seeing so much more violence than any generation before him. How will I explain it? I want to see the innocence he sees in people before having a reason to suspect anything but innocence. I want to see the excitement on his eyes when he experiences the God given beauty of this world without having to think of harm that could come his way. While I look forward to watching him grow up, I’m already finding myself wondering how I will explain these things to him without destroying all sense of innocence from a young age.
What I do know is, I will teach my child to love despite all the hate. I will encourage him to see the good in people and forgive them for the bad. I will teach him to never judge someone because of where they come from, what they look like, or their differences. I will teach him about God and do my best to instill solid Christian values in him. I will teach him to explore the world around him.
I pray for every mother out there because we all live in this fear. A fear that our children won’t know the same world we once knew, because they won’t. A fear only God can overcome but we have to let Him. It’s a helpless feeling not being able to “fix” this world, but we can pray. Prayer is the only thing we can do. It may feel as though it’s not enough, but prayer is the most important thing for this world right now. Prayer is powerful my friends. Pray for our country, our world, our children.